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“How
to Develop Self-Confidence
In Speech and Manner” eBook Online Version
It is through care in apparently unimportant things that a man builds confidence and character. "By systematic discipline all men may be made heroes," and one may say with Shakespeare, "I dare do all that may become a man; who dares do more is none."
A man unconsciously expresses himself in his manner. He attracts or repels by voice, look, gesture, walk, or appearance. He is liked or disliked on the instant. He pleases or arouses prejudices, warms or chills one, persuades or discourages, and often can not give the reason why. But let him be sure of himself, and his certainty and confidence will inspire these same qualities in others. "If a man," says Emerson, "will but plant himself on his instincts, the great world will come round to him."
A man who is given much to levity loses in public estimation. The professional joker is too capricious to be accepted seriously, and the self-assurance with which he perpetrates his tiresome and superannuated jokes is not the kind of self-confidence we recommend. The basis of the truly self-reliant man, like that of the great orator, is serious, strong-willed, and earnest.
Modesty is not incompatible with power and self-confidence. '' A man never speaks of himself without loss," wrote Montaigne. It is not too much to say, indeed, that a man who talks much about himself is fundamentally weak. A strong, self-reliant person should attract attention to what he says more than to what he is. Whately's description of the difference between two orators applies also to men in private intercourse. "When the moon shines brightly," he says, "we are apt to exclaim, 'How beautiful is the moonlight!' but in the daytime we say, 'How beautiful are the trees, the fields, the mountains!'--and, in short, all objects that are illuminated; we never speak of the sun that makes them so. Just in the same way, the really greatest orator shines like the sun, making you think much of the things he is speaking of; the second-best shines like the moon, making you think much of him and his eloquence.'' This sinking of self in one's words and work should be the earnest and constant aim of every student of self-confidence. It is one of the marks of greatness.
"Be gentle, and keep your voice low," says the motto. Self-confidence does not imply that a man should be bold and boisterous, scattering everything around him like "a bull in a china-shop," and intimidating every one who ventures to cross his track. Self-confidence means considerateness and gentleness, a due regard for the rights and feelings of others, and a desire to please as well as to affirm. Balzac says:
"Gentleness in the gait is what simplicity is in the dress. Violent gesture or quick movement inspires involuntary disrespect. One looks for a moment at a cascade, but one sits for hours, lost in thought, and gazing upon the still water of a lake. A deliberate gait, gentle manners, and a gracious tone of voice—all of which may be acquired--give a mediocre man an immense advantage over those vastly superior to him. To be boldly tranquil, to speak little, and to digest without effort are absolutely necessary to grandeur of mind or of presence, or to proper development of genius."
Let the student of self-confidence cultivate a high grade of dignity. Over familiarity may easily result in self-consciousness and embarrassment. We resent the style and manner of certain men who greet you by your first name, slap you on the back, poke you in the ribs, call you a good fellow, inquire into your private affairs, and invite themselves to spend their vacation at your summer home. They call at inopportune times, engage you in long and tedious conversation, make unseasonable comments, while all the while you are mentally planning how most expeditiously to get rid of them.
Learn to greet people pleasantly. Show them at once that you are interested in what they say. Be a willing and sympathetic listener. Give to them the best that is in you. Do not intrude your own affairs, and especially your troubles, upon them. Remember that the more you think and talk about yourself, the less interesting you will be to others. Your constant attitude of mind should be that of a strong, self-confident man, expressing your power not in self-praise, but in deeds.
Chapter XI
THE DISCOURAGED MAN
When a man loses faith in himself he quickly forfeits the confidence and respect of others. Discouragement if allowed full sway may undermine the stoutest character. It often begins with some trifling matter, a passing disappointment perhaps, which imagination and feeling proceed to magnify into a mountain. A man broods over it day and night, instead of promptly casting it aside, until to him it has become an insurmountable obstacle.
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