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“How
to Develop Self-Confidence
In Speech and Manner” eBook Online Version
Society is the schoolhouse of good manners. We recognize the breeding of a man first, and his abilities afterward. Intimate association with one's fellow men develops courtesy and magnanimity.
"How sweet and gracious, even in common speech, Is that fine sense which men call Courtesy! Wholesome as air and genial as the light, Welcome in every clime as breath of flowers, it transmutes aliens into trusting friends, and gives its owner passport round the globe."
Unfailing courtesy teaches a man to say the right word and to do the right thing. This is the politeness that has been called "benevolence in little things." Emerson says: '' There are certain manners which are learned in good society, of that force, that, if a person have them, he or she must be considered, and is everywhere welcome, though without beauty, or wealth, or genius." It is society that teaches a man the art of pleasing, which
Chesterfield said was the art of rising, of distinguishing one's self, of making a figure and a fortune in the world. A sincere speaker may pay a delicate compliment without descending to flattery. A word of well-deserved praise is always acceptable, and makes a man forever welcome in the society of good people. Politics and theology are not safe subjects for easy conversation. A contradictory man is usually counted a bore and a nuisance. You perhaps venture the opinion that it will rain, but he tells you firmly he doesn't think so. Again, there is the arrogant man, whose word is law, and who resents the slightest opposition. When he stalks forth, the only thing to do is to subside into silence and let him stalk and talk.
The man with the too long story will be made uncomfortable in intelligent society. An English writer, in speaking of London society, says pointedly: "Topics are treated lightly and, above all, briefly. If you want to preach a sermon, you must get into a pulpit or a newspaper; preach it at table you can not. You may tell a story, but you must, in Hayward's phrase, cut it to the bone. If you do not cut it short, you will be cut into and before you are half-way through; another man will have begun and finished his, and your audience will have gone over to the enemy." When a man is known for too long storytelling he is regarded as insufferable and is generally avoided.
The experience of Lord Chesterfield should encourage any man desirous of becoming self-confident in society. At first he was exceedingly awkward and almost frightened "out of his wits." He bowed obsequiously; thought himself beneath others, suspected every whisper was about him and his particular defects. But he persevered, through many and seemingly insurmountable difficulties, and became, as all know, the most polished gentleman of his day. But with all one's superiority the basis must ever lie in simplicity. The test of a truly great man is his humility. An English woman of keen observation says: "I have never yet come across a person really far above the average, either mentally or morally, who ever became too big for his boots or his Bible." Self-assertion should never be substituted for self-confidence. No one cares to listen long to a man clothed in infallibility, or who prates much about himself. When Charles Kingsley was asked what were his favorite topics of conversation, he answered, "Whatever my companion happens to be talking about." A man should be ready for self-effacement, whenever that may be necessary. It is the unpretentious man that most easily wins favor.
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